I had never really experienced love until I met you, & the first time that I did, my heart changed forever.
It shocked me that the love that was supposed take my breath away & make me feel butterflies in my stomach, turned out to be nothing like I’d imagined. All the movies & novels had been lying, I didn’t enjoy this feeling of love. If anything, I was terrified. Terrified that I had so hopelessly fallen for someone. Terrified that I’d talk to him for days, & with every passing day my heart was at a bigger risk of getting broken. Terrified that the love felt so strong, & that I had started dreaming of a forever with someone.
I claimed that I didn’t know whether you felt the same way, but deep down I felt like maybe, just for once, someone did love me back. The faith I had in my love was strong. How could you not love someone who’d been a terrific friend, who had always accepted you for who you were , and someone who cared for you like no one else? My evaluation of myself made me feel like I was worthy of your love.
With time the pain grew, as I realized only one of us really loved the other. I was in too deep by then, & trying to escape everytime only led to more pain. I didn’t want you to be my friend, I wanted so much more than that.
I’ll never regret the heartbreak, the pain, the tears or the shattering self-esteem. I don’t want to forget you, because you were the best lesson life ever gave me. It hurt when you said we wouldn’t be good together, but it hurt so much more when I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough for you.
I don’t hate you, I never will. You wanted a love that would make your soul stir & would help you fight the demons in your head. I wanted a love that accepted me for who I was, the kind that would fight for me no matter what. Letting go was never my strongest suit, but it was a battle I had to win. I had to let you go, I had to lose you, so that I could find myself.
We may be strangers now, but I hope someday we meet again. Not to fight, not to blame, not to cry over – to simply thank you for not choosing me, so that I could finally learn to choose myself.
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