I won when I stopped caring about his reactions

Dussehra is supposedly the triumph of good over evil. Many people of the Hindu faith observe Dussehra through special prayer meetings and food offerings to the gods at home or in temples throughout India. They also hold outdoor fairs (melas) and large parades with effigies of Ravana (a mythical king of ancient Sri Lanka). The effigies are burnt on bonfires in the evening.
I burnt one such effigy in my life a few years ago, well not really on Dussehra… but this is a good time to narrate.

Within weeks of being in a relationship with a narcissistic person, I began experiencing everything that a love relationship shouldn’t have. Every action of mine would receive a heavier suspicious reaction. If I bought a gift, I would be spied on to understand what I intended to receive in return or what was I trying to divert attention from, with the gift. I would dread talking to people, our narcissist didn’t like because I would have to go through multiple filthy accusations post the same. When I realized how unhealthy the relationship was, I voiced out my opinion to step out of it.

Things worsened. I would receive threats, verbal abuse to no end, constant distractions during work hours, endless arguments over whatsapp and what not. My nights had lost their sleep. Days would be filled with anticipation about what he would do next to stress me out. My mind felt exhausted with the expectations of emotional intelligence at work and then overthinking about how to handle the situation in my personal life. Being stalked upon may be as worse as being haunted.

Fortunately for me, I read. I came across articles of emotional abuse over the internet and identified that I was a victim of it. Initially, like every other independent person I tried to read and apply the tactics myself to resolve the problem at hand.
I failed miserably.

Allowing to get myself into depression and gain a sympathy rescue was not an option – I had responsibilities to keep and I had a strong conscience about that.

After months of living under fear, I decided this wasn’t something I could handle alone and I sought professional help. I explained all my fears shamelessly to the stranger over the helpline. If I had held back anything, I knew I was delaying the process of being rescued, myself.

The major setback of living in India is that having a love relationship when you’re not married is looked down upon. You can’t be comfortable and discuss it with your own kin for fear of being misjudged for your actions. In my case, I had reached a stage where it didn’t bother me anymore. The narcissist had created enough scenes to make my family aware about the once-hush hush relationship. All I wanted now was to get rid of the mess I had invited into my life.

The counselor explained very well about the No-Contact rule. I gave the counselor so many details that he could now predict how our narcissist would react if I behaved in a certain way. That was enough for me to have blind faith and follow everything that I was told to do. It took us a few weeks but at the end of it, even when things looked clearly completed… I suffered from anticipation for some more weeks wondering what if it wasn’t over yet.

I consider myself lucky to have stepped up to find myself help and not wreck my life. I cannot stop talking about this incident in life because I received help only when I read about such incidents that happened with other people. If writing or talking about it could help me, I know it will some day help someone else too.

Join the campaign if you as a reader feel likewise. I try sharing as much filtered information as I can on my Instagram site @survivingemotionalabuse

Thank you for reading!

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